Once I was ready, ceremonies with a variety of psychedelics or entheogens helped me emerge from the darkest period in my life. I continue to integrate the experiences and have adopted more positive ways to cope with my losses - although I still have periods of extreme sadness. I have and will continue to experience ‘Metanoesis’ care for myself. I’m still on my healing journey and accept that I will be for the rest of my life. I now accept grief as my constant companion and one of my most influential teachers. I still wish my son had never had one drop of alcohol and I wish he had not died from an accidental overdose of alcohol, marijuana, sedatives and fentanyl.

This philosophy comes from the word met·a·noi·a. Meta is a Greek prefix and preposition, which means “after” or “beyond.”  No·ia means “thought.” The derivative noēsis means the highest kind of knowledge or knowledge of the eternal forms or ideas. The term “noetic” comes from the Greek word noētikos which means inner wisdom, intuition, or implicit understanding.

William James, a philosopher and the father of American psychology, refers to this phenomenon when he said, “noetic experiences often feel like a state of understanding - intuitively accessed knowledge, known as truth. One arrives at this state without intellectual, left-brain analysis. The experience is also ‘ineffable’ in that the experience is hard to describe in words. These noetic experiences are present in the oldest of humanity’s written records in cultures worldwide.”

Metanoesis means “to have thoughts beyond the (conscious) mind; to have the highest kind of knowledge and implicit understanding; to possess inner wisdom and intuition; to expand the mind in such a way as to have a new perspective on the world or one’s self.” (James, 1985; Hastings, 1991; Klimo,1998).

“It may be that when we no longer know what to do, we have come to our real work, and that when we no longer know which way to go, we have come to our real journey. The mind that is not baffled is not employed. The impeded stream is the one that sings.”

— Wendell Berry

I may not be ‘walking in your shoes’ right now, but believe me, I have walked down some pretty rough roads. And I’m still here. I fully believe in the power of these ‘medicines’ to help you begin to emerge from a dark period of time in your life so you can begin to work towards an enduring change during your Integration. Psychedelics and entheogens have helped me on my journey towards healing from my losses. Allow me to help you walk down your road towards what I hope may become a more peaceful, fulfilling and joyful life. 

REFERENCES:

Hastings A: With the tongues of men and angels: A study of channeling. Harcourt School;1991.

James W: The Varieties of Religious Experience. Penguin Classics;1985.

Klimo J: Channeling: Investigations on receiving information from paranormal sources. North Atlantic Books;1998.

Sources of Inspiration on My Journey

Besides Stephen Jenkinson, Megan Devine and Wendell Barry, I’ve found so many teachers during my journey. From luminaries like William James, Joseph Campbell and Carl G. Jung to more contemporary therapists like Frances Weller and Rosalind Watts as well as religious figures - Father Bill Wigmore and Ron Cole-Turner. Many people, including my friends, have helped me form my philosophy about psychedelic-assisted therapy. You’ll discover their contributions on my website. “This quote below is attributed to the 13th-century Persian poet, Rumi. It is often interpreted as a metaphor for a person’s spiritual journey, suggesting that our deepest pain and wounds can be the very places where we experience the most profound spiritual growth and enlightenment. Embracing our suffering allows us to access a deeper connection to our true selves.” I reflected on this verse after a San Pedro cactus ceremony. I could barely even speak my intention for that ceremony in our group’s preparation session. All I could whisper between my crying, gasping for breaths and wiping my tears was, “I’m… searching… for a light… in the darkness.”

“I said: what about my eyes?
He said: Keep them on the road.

I said: What about my passion?
He said: Keep it burning.

I said: What about my heart?
He said: Tell me what you hold inside it?

I said: Pain and sorrow.
He said: Stay with it.

The wound is the place where the Light enters you.”

Rumi also said, “The cure for the pain is the pain.” This is interpreted by some as “the way to heal from emotional or physical pain is to experience and go through it, rather than trying to avoid or numb it.” When we try to avoid the emotional pain, it can become a larger and more unmanageable issue in the future. This can lead to anxiety and/or depression. If we decide to try to numb the pain with alcohol or drugs, this can lead to tolerance, dependence and perhaps addiction…which can also lead to anxiety, depression or at the extreme end to demoralization and suicidal ideation.

“If the cure for pain is in the pain, does that mean I have to just sit around and suffer all the time?”

Not at all.

Rumi is not saying that we should just wallow in our pain and do nothing about it. Instead, he’s saying that we should do our best to face it head-on and deal with it in a way that feels right for us. An ‘emotionally healthy’ person acknowledges and accepts when they're struggling. This is so important. Sometimes when a person is going through a hard time, they ignore it, deny it or pretend everything's okay and they try to just keep pushing through.  When they do this, their struggle is going to become much worse.  Denying your struggle will not make it go away. In fact, denying it and pushing it away will make it come back even stronger or it can become a more serious psychological situation. So if you're having a hard time, just say so. First, acknowledge it to yourself and accept it as being a part of your life right now. After you accept that your struggling, you can take the next step, which is to acknowledge it to someone you love and trust. This could mean, when you’re ready, talking to your friends and/or family, a therapist or a pastor, journaling about your feelings, reading about depression, anxiety, PTSD and/or grief, meditating or praying about your situation, or finding a creative outlet to express your feelings.

Another option might be psychedelic-assisted therapy.

One thing to keep in mind is that many people think that pain doesn’t always have to be a bad thing. Yes, it can be devastating in the beginning, but it can also be seen as a source of growth and learning in the long run. Have you ever gone through a difficult situation and come out on the other side feeling stronger and more resilient? The theory is that this happens because you’ve learned and matured after experiencing the painful experience. Even though the pain was horrendous, the pain could have been the catalyst for a change in your life. You didn’t wish for the pain. But it found you.

When we’re going through a tough time (physically or emotionally), it can be hard to ‘see a light at the end of the tunnel.’ But it’s important to try to remember that while the pain may last a long time, there’s always…yes…always…hope for some more happiness in your life. It’s only through facing and dealing with our pain and sorrow that we can begin to try to cope with it, work towards healing and take a first step back into our own life.

It can be very hard and it can be a lonely road - especially if you isolate yourself away from the world as you used to know it. Here’s an excerpt from Megan Devine’s book, It’s OK that you’re not OK. She is a therapist and she was referring to the sudden death of her husband:

“Time has stopped. Nothing feels real. Your mind cannot stop replaying the events, hoping for a different outcome. The ordinary, everyday world that others still inhabit feels coarse and cruel. Every object in your life becomes an artifact, a symbol of the life that used to be and might have been. There is no place this loss has not touched.”

Her book tries to help in the very early days of an unexpected death when many don't have the capacity, yet, to focus on having what some refer to as a ‘healthy’ outlook on life and recovery. For many people, it takes months or years to even be able or want to do anything other than survive from day to day or just through the night. There may not be even be the slightest inkling of a thought to try to ‘grow’ or ‘heal.’ It can be validating to be told that this F#CKING SUCKS and there is no need to sugarcoat it to make it more palatable to society. Her message is, ‘Yes, this is awful, and I am here to try my best to tell you my story and normalize all this for you and to encourage you to just keep trying to survive.

It seems that some degree of grief always occurs after the pain of surviving a trauma, trying to cope with the sorrow after the death of a loved one or when you finally get tired of being depressed for whatever reason. I isolated myself, I read books, I cried, I tried to talk to people but broke down. I talked to a Medium and that was reassuring for me. In the long run, the best solution for me was psychedelic-assisted therapy and the Integration that has followed each journey.

Many have also found that psychedelic-assisted therapy is illuminating and helps with their anticipatory grief as they face the existential anxiety of a terminal diagnosis. I meet the Colorado requirements to offer psychedelic-assisted therapy in a client’s home who are in palliative care, hospice care or are diagnosed as being disabled or homebound. See the Colorado requirement 6.18 in the Standards of Care on the Colorado Law page. One short video from Anderson Cooper and 60 Minutes describing a psilocybin journey in a client who was facing cancer can be seen here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lqnPVZUzDPc

If you are receiving palliative or hospice care, are homebound or disabled, you may receive psilocybin in your home from a qualified provider. I am a qualified provider as I have been a nurse for over 30 years; have a Specialty Certification in Palliative Care and I’m contracted with a healing center.